Even If
by pandamonium7
Summary: Inspired by a song. Triggers. Matthew (Canada) has had enough.. Again. Will this time finally work?
1. Chapter 1

Warnings: Triggers, Character suicide

Disclaimer: Hetalia is not mine (I would not be worthy) and belongs to Himaruya Hidekazu. This is a songfic for the song Bullet by Hollywood Undead. I listened to the nightcore version of the song, and this suddenly appeared on my laptop. I own nothing besides the plot, enjoy!

Even If

* * *

Looking out at the city Matthew sighed. His legs were hanging off the edge and he could feel the wind through his wool socks, his shiny new shoes, abandoned on the roof behind him. The pill bottle was empty and his wrists hurt from the fresh cuts. This was nothing new for him lately the wounds have all been eerily calming to him. The dull pain, reminding him that he's still alive.

"Always forgotten, never remembered... Maybe this is how it's supposed to be? Better if I weren't here to remind them? They would forget eventually... I'm just a waste of oxygen anyway."

Matthew smiled as he took another swig from the glass bottle him his hand. The honking of the cars below were distant from the height he was at, making them seem like they were echo from another place. Just echos of what they actually were.

"Just like me." He thought with a snicker.

"You two were always there for me, and... This is kinda emberassing, but... Thank you."

He looked down with a kind smile. The bottle of jin and the empty yellow pill bottle that didn't blow away in the wind, which slightly amazed Matthew, considering the pill bottle was only a light plastic. 20 story high building and this is how it's going to end, eh?

"At least the splatter will get people's attention for a while, then it will wash away eventually... I wonder why they call it ashfault? Is there even any ash in there?"

Matthew looked down knowing he may never be able to figure it out, it was to late anyway... "I wonder if anyone found my letter?... It would either be Alfred who just wants to whine about his problems, or the police if they figure out it's me."

Matthew watched a paramedic van drive by far beneath quickly. The red and blue lights flashing wildly, reflecting off the surrounding tall buildings window's while it's sireins blared. He waved down as it zoomed past, then away from his view of the street below and gave a lopsided smile at the irony of the gesture.

"All this time.. I guess not seeing the employee work card I was holding up to thier faces was the last straw..."

Matthew streatched out his arms, feeling his scars new, and old stretching with his skin, new one's burning and his back popping.

(Spine, you are going to be doing more than that in a while... and then not much) he snickered again.

Matthew thought back to the first time he had tried to kill himself. It was after the world meetings were over and Matthew (Canada) was staying for another day to go sightseeing in Berlin. His stuff was all in his backpack. (decades of packing taught him exactly what he had to bring, only the necessaties, and It all fit in one backpack) When he went back to his hotel room, he found to his, and the strangers in his room's suprise, them unpacking in his room. Closing the door and walking away, he remembered again how forgotten he could be. He ended up deciding to test his immortality that night. Tying a rope around his ankle, and a metal beam on the other end, he threw it off the Oberbaum bridge, himself being dragged after it into the freezing river Spree. He drown a few times, then gave up, knowing as a personification, he wont die unless it's something to do with his country. Flying back home, it was easy to act like nothing happened, nobody ever relly saw him, so nobody ever knew it even happened. (I wonder if splatting onto the ground will kill me?)

Suits were usually provided for the personifications by their leaders, but his old one was fraying and was getting old, so for the first time in a few decades, Matthew Williams bought himself a suit.

"If I don't die I wonder if anyone will visit me in the hospital... Maybe nobody will even notice.. . . . I would be fully healed by the next meeting."

Matthew swung his feet a little and closed his eyes while the wind hit his face. Autum had made it's appearance and the breeze was calming to him. Not as cold as the Canadian winters he's use to, though, cold enough to remind him of his own land. He took another sip from the bottle of Jin, noticing the blood from his wrist was seeping through his new suit. "hmmm, darn." He whispered. Closing his eyes again, as another breeze brushed across his face.

"I wonder why we are immune to death... Even medication overdoses.. don't kill us..."

Matthew pulled out his Winchester pistol and wondered if he should shoot himself before he jumps, to see if it would help heighten his percent of dying.

"No...maybe?"

He sighed.

...

"Papa will still be pestering Arthur, who will be attempting to calm down Alfred, before he starts a war with another country for some reason-or-another."

...

"Cuba will be angry at Alfred, and might get high with Mexico from time-to-time."

...

"Lovino will be angry and Antonio will smile at him, The fool is in love what can he do?"

"Germany will be trying to protect Italy, and keep him from getting into trouble. Italy will cook him pasta as a thank you."

...

"Russia will want everyone to "become one' with him." Matthew snickered at how the Russian has been bothering China a lot about it lately.

"Ukraine will be busy trying to pay off her debts and making more friends."

...

The last two made Matthew feel sad and a little guilty.

"Gilbert never mixed me up with Alfred... He will hang out with The Bad Touch Trio, annoy his brother, take care of Gilbird, and hit on anyone he wants... He'll be just fine." Matthew sighed looking up at the stars. "He will miss my pancakes though..."

He smiled sadley at how nothing seemed to work for him.

"He will all forget in time... Kuma will forget and return to the wild."

A tear fell from one of Matthew's apathetic violet eyes but he didn't feel it. The gun was cocked as he put it against the side of his head. He kept smiling, looking up at the stars as he pulled the trigger. The feeling of the bullet made him scream as he crumpled forward from the pain and fell off the ledge.

The wind whippping past his face was calming, but the bullet in his brain was a huge burden. The pain lulling him into a calm sleep as darkness consumed him.

Waking up in a hospital bed Matthew sighed.

Alone again and nobody will ever know.

"Even if."

Even if they did know, they would forget...

"They always do."


	2. Is That Snow?

Warnings: Self-harm

Disclaimer: Hetalia is not mine (I would not be worthy) and belongs to Himaruya Hidekazu.

* * *

The repetative beeping from the machine was the only noise in the room, other than Matthew's own level breathing as he glared left, out the window his bed was beneath. The weather had changed it's mind, again, becoming warm once more, as it tried to keep fall at bay. The beeping had become a slight comfort to Matthew after the second day. It was hardly the reason for his currently foul mood.

'Just go away already!' Matthew yelled in his head.

The warm sun, now noon-high, had not warmed his room to discomfort, and depite enjoying the cold, he enjoyed the warmth to an extent. Niether was the temperature his reason for anger.

'They have no right to watch me like this!'

The points of his current anger were the two small birds perched on the other side of the glass, on the small brick ledge outside. Both watched him with knowing eyes, both taking turns to leave and feed, but one was always there, watching him. He knew both bird's well. Growing up with Francis, Matthew had always wondered how old his papa's pet Pierre was. Even without Gilbert's hair as contrast, Gilbird's yellow feather's were easy to recognize

"Go away Pierre. I'm fine! Go tell papa to either leave me alone, or visit me himself!"

The bird cocked it's head to the side, but didn't move an inch otherwise.

A soft knocking on his door, and Matthew knew the nurse was here to make her rounds.

"Mr. Williams?... I'm coming in."

"Okay." was his dull reply.

Entering the room calmly, she grabbed the clip board at the end of the bed, and went to check the machines beside the Canadian's bed.

Light tapping against the window caught her attention and she gave the two bird's a soft smile.

"Look's like you're friends are here again today, huh?"

Matthew hid his smirk behind his hair by leaning forward.

"Yeah, no matter how much I tell them to leave. They just never budge."

Giving him a side glance as she finished writing down the information on the clip board, she knew the boy was lonely and wanted more than just aviarian guests for company.

"Well, one looks domesticated, and they both look clean, maybe they are someone's pets?"

"Maybe... I don't care." He lifted his head to send a pleading look to the small birds. "If they have a home they should just go back to it." He had no doubt both of the men were together trying to figure things out before they had to pull anyone else into this mess he had created.

"Well... As much as I would like to allow them, they cannot come in.. Bird flu procautions." Giving the two bird's one last sad glance, the nurse swithched her full attention to the young man leaning back against the inclined bed. "Do you want anything sweet? I know I am not allowed to.. But you have not had a single visitor, and young kids need an extra something from time-to-time right?"

Matthew ripped his gaze from the two birds and gave the nurse a bright smile. "Do you know if you can get any pancake's?.. With maple syrup?"

Recieving a hum, the nurse looked up as she thought. "You know what? I think I know a place that has the best pancakes in the area." Nodding once she seemed to make the decision. "I shall be back in the morning of morrow, donning my quest's bounty." Quickly leaving the room, her smile grew as sudden laughter from the young mans room filled the hall.

Alone in the room once more, Mattehew dozed off quickly. Jolting awake from a flashback of his most current attempt. Worse that what actually happened, instead of hitting the ashfault like he had, He landed on a child. Tightly gripping his honey lock's, his eyes closed as tight as possible while he curled in on himself. The blonde hair, the familiar face, the white gown, the glasses. He didn't land on any child. The terrified, large violet eyes.. He landed on his child self.

"I can't die.. I can't die... I can't die."

Rocking back and forth on his heels, Matthew repeated the quiet matra until he calmed down. Loud tapping on his window reminded him of the two birds. It was now dark outside and Matthew could swear he saw a few flurries of snow from the streetlights glow. Both birds were cuddled against eachother for warmth seemingly shivering. Still shaken from his dream, Matthew began to worry for the bird's, knowing the two who sent them would be cold right now too. Opening the window, he swiftly, but gently scooped the two birds into his hands and placed them on his lap before quietly closing the window.

"You two alright?" his voice quivered slightly as the birds continue to shiver together. Picking them up, he place one on each side of his neck and giggled as both of them instantly snuggled against the offered warmth. "Let's get to sleep... If anyone comes in hide in my hair and ill untangle you when they leave, it's to cold for either of you outside tonight." Twin chirps were taken as understanding. "I can't stop caring about either of you...Even if I don't care about myself anymore."

He was freezing! Leaving his bed in search of somewhere warmer, Gilbert wandered into Francis' kitchen looking for his french buddy. Seeing a light flowing from a room from the older of the large home, The white-haired man stayed quiet as he approached, not wanting Francis to attack him with all the stress the frenchman has been holding back. The blondes back shook silently crying in front of an open dresser, tightly holding onto a small white nightgown. Looking around the well sized, frilly room as he wlaked into to doorway, he realized it must have been Matthew's when the country was still a colony.

Clearing his throat, Gilbert waited until his friend could calm down.

"Are you cold too?"

A nod

"Then Gilbird and Piere must be outside..."

"Hic"..."Gil-bert..D-did you K-know any." "Hic..." "Anything?"

"...Nien..."

With the sob's calming down, Gilbert walked over to his long-time friend. Placing a hand on the other's back, he began rubbing small circles for comfort.

A silent moment passed, before sudden warmth filled Gilbert's body and he had to smile from the feeling. Guessing what it meant, he had to verify his thought's.

"Francis, you feel it too?"

The small smile Francis returned, gave Gilbert hope. If both Pierre, and Gilbird, who were watching over Matthew were warm at the same time, it meant someone was warming the small bird's. The glow of happiness within them both, told them it was someone both bird's loved being around.

"Why do you... Why would he... Surely he could have asked for help? If he was thinking such dark thoughts enough to-..." Cutting himself off, he already knew the awnser's to all his questions. Matthew was his colony first, but Arthur took him while the country was still young. Arthur was disiplined. He kept everything bottled up, staying tactical to ensure nobody could harm him in a weakened state. Matthew took after Arthur more than the frenchman would ever admit. Matthew was smart and adaptable, even as a small colony, he was always ready to learn something new, he craved knowledge. His more emotional side was highly developed, letting him realize how he felt about things, and what they ment to him. To Francis' dismay, his social skills were another story. The young country was never fully able to develop his social skills from what little teachings Arthur gave him. Matthew was left to learn anything social from trial and error. Arthur, while a concerned parental figure, never let either Matthew, not Alfred out of his sight. The more territorial watch over the two instead of a normal parental observation. Unnerved by Arthur, the other countries tended to give the young nation a wide berth, leaving young Matthew with very limited people to socialize with.

"He know's himself Francis... He just... He might not know how to 'ask' people... The invisability he seems to have mastered... He shut down."

Francis gave him a defeated nod. "Oui.. I know..."

* * *

I figure Gilbert would be awkwardly trying his best to comfort a friend in need, and Francis would be lost if Matthew was ever hurt. If you could'nt tell, Matthew is disappointed nobody came to visit. I am so happy with comment's already 0-0 Thank you.. You people are the reason I want to write a good story *sniffle* I hope you enjoy it so far, the next chapter will be kind of short, but then again, Arthur is never relly one to tell people much.


	3. Maple Sweet Memories

Characters: Matthew, Arthur

Warnings: Vicious mini maple lover's

Disclaimer: Hetalia is not mine (I would not be worthy) and belongs to Himaruya Hidekazu.

* * *

After the nurse had gave Matthew "The quest's bounty." (In her own word's) She wrote his information update on the clip board and said farewell, as she left to make more of her round's.

Counting to ten, Matthew deemed it clear. "You two can come out now." Two bird's quickly flapped out from under the bed and flew around the room once, before landing happily on his lap. "I'm guessing you two are hungry?"

Excited cheeping allowed a small smile to grace his lips. Opening the white styrofoam container, Matthew broke pieces off the largest pancake inside and fed the bird's the small crumb's he made while he thought.

'Nobody today either.. No suprise though..Even if I'm in the hospital, they don't want to see me.'

When the bird's began to slow down pecking at the crumb's, Matthew began to slowly eat his pancakes, suprised at how fluffy they were.

* * *

"When did this happen?"

Arthur could tell Francis flinched at his quick, angry question.

"A few day's ago. Peirre and Gilbird have not left his side. He is fine Arthur. I had to think before I called, I did not-"

"You did not what? Francis? For me to see him? Are you still that bitter that I took him, that you would keep this from me? Did you know Alfred called me yesterday and told me he felt like an invisable brick hit his chest? Did you know he called me this morning, hysterical -not his usual either, sincerly worried, you know that's a feat for him- Claiming he could not contact Matthew?"

"Arthur, I think he need's some time. You think 'I' do not want to run to his side? To tell him it's all going to be okay? We can go tomorrow... I just... We need to give him some space before we go and start anything, he's fragile right now!"

The phone was silent.

Letting out a sigh, Arthur pulled his hand across his face in frustration, realizing in anger, the frenchman was right.

"Fine, but we go tomorrow. I will tell Alfred I know where his brother is, and we will meet you for breakfast before we see him. We need to talk this over before we get there, and the food will keep Alfred busy long enough for us to have a quick chat."

"You need to sleep tonight then, and no drinking. I will not allow you to see Matthew if you are hungover."

This bloody-..!

"Fine, See you tomorrow."

"Au revoir."

Placing his cell phone on the desk next to him, Arthur wanted nothing more than to drown his sorrow's with some rum. Getting out of his chair and crossing his study, he stood in front of the wall that was made of bookshelves and closed his eyes. "Why?... He was the easy one." The books, hiding thier knowledge between the front and last page's, gave the British man no awnser's.

Thinking back, Arthur remembered how hard it was when Matthew was growing up. The boy did not know english, would go nowhere without the polar bear, so shy he cried in frustration when Arthur first tried to teach him english. Alfred was the trouble-maker, he smiled remembering the first time Alfred tried to take Matthew's maple syrup.

They were eating breakfast, and Matthew cooked pancakes, which suprised Arthur and enthralled a tiny Alfred. Matthew was holding the bottle of maple syrup against himself pulling it away long eough to drown the pancakes with the golden, sugar liquid, but as he finished pouring it onto his pancakes, Alfred ripped it from his small, pale hand's. The nice, quiet, little boy with big, innocent violet eye's suddenly lunged forward and bit the other's arm. Both boys paused in shock. After a moment, Alfred slowly put the bottle down on the table and released his small hand's grip on it. Matthew unlocked his jaw, pulling away. While keeping eye contact with Alfred. He pulled the bottle against his small body before lookeing down, ashamed of the near-bleeding marks on Alfred's forarm. Arthur was going to tell Matthew to apologize, worried Alfred might hurt the other, when Alfred suddenly shrieked with laughter and gave Matthew a blinding smile, recieving a small one back.

"Alfred sure know's how to push people's button's... They were like brothers after that..."

Moving back to his phone, Arthur dialed Alfred to tell him he knew where Matthew was.

A long, long, long, unberably long, idiotic discussion later, involving, making a tracking robot that would keep constant watch over Matthew, and planting a tracking chip under the canadian's skin while he sleep's, Arthur knew Alfred would be there before noon.

"This is too much.." He whispered to the empty room.

Looking over to his liquor cabinet, he was quite tempted. He desperately wanted to quench the thirst in this dry throat. "NO!" Storming out of the room and locking it behind him, Arthur went to ready a room for Alred. He had finished all his work the night before, not being able to fall asleep "At least now I know why I could not sleep." Changing the bedsheets and making sure nothing was in the large closet, Arthur went to clean anywhere else that needed cleaning, he had TO DO something!

* * *

Sqeeee. I like writing Matthew when he is caring, and sweet. He just gives off that nice, caring, calm vibe! I believe Arthur has his own problems, and keeps them hidden away (This is where Matthew get's this trait I'm sure) but when he knows thing's are important, I feel he would try his hardest to do the right thing, even though it might be hard for him. I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and Alfred is in the next chapter! Hope I can hear you'r thoughts on the story so far *Huggle* See you soon!


	4. Cake's, Confusion and Worry

Characters: Matthew, Alfred

Warnings: Depressing undertow, detailed injuries

Disclaimer: Hetalia is not mine (I would not be worthy) and belongs to Himaruya Hidekazu.

* * *

Knocking on the door snapped Matthew out of his daze. "You can come in." He awnsered, giving a quick glance at the clock above the door, he realized he had been staring at the windows corner for 10 minutes. Both birds had flown under the bed at the knocking sound, and were staying quiet.

"You might have some visitor's this afternoon Matthew. Do you want to shower?"

Nodding his head, Matthew held out his cast arm and let her help him into a wheelchair. His bones had been set, but still needed time to re-form. Both leg's were basically shattered, His skull was smashed on one side, both arms were in cast's and from what he heard, one of his hands were detatched from his body whe he first entered the hospital. His spine was bent sideways, giving him a J shape when he layed flat on his back. He also heard one of the doctors say Matthew looked like he came out of a horror movie. All the blood seeping from his ears, nose and tear-ducts. The bone's protruding from his skin allowed his blood to freely escape his body. When he asked the nurse how bad his injuries were, she gave him a smile that told him she was a little frightened he lived at all, worried he would suddenly go into shock and die from a hidden hemmorage.

Helping him back into his bed after the shower, the nurse noticed Matthew seemed to feel a little better, his hair was becoming oily, and she knew he was becoming bothered by it. Movement caught here eye as she was tucking in his sheets. Looking under the bed she saw two small balls of fluff staring back at her. A sigh escaped her as she looked over the bed, to the room's occupant with an arched eyebrow. "You know the rules, I told you them yesterday."

Worry filled the young man's face as both birds flew out from under the bed, landing on each of his shoulder's. "You remember how you said they looked domesticated yesterday?"

Nodding, she waited for him to go on.

"They are actaully pet's of a family member and a friend. The two sometime's send them to watch over someone, or send letters."

Shocked people still trained bird's to do things like that, she took in a deep breath. "They will not leave you then, will they?"

Matthew shook his head. "Not until either of them comes to get them."

She released another sigh. "Then make sure nobody else sees them until either of thier owner's get here okay? It is too cold outside for such small birds, they look like they liveed in warmer climates." Deeming him ready for visitors if any finally showed up, she quietly left the room. "I'm terrible with secret's." She whispered as she made her way down the hall.

Matthew watched the door slowly close, before he looked up to the roof in relief.

"You two heard her, no more people can see you. Even If you are hungry, just wait and as soon as were alone I will feed you."

Cheeps told Matthew they once more, understood his word's.

* * *

Graaaaahhh! The airplane took way to long for Alfred's taste, now he was hungry, tired, and even more on edge than when he left! "He's probly just visiting Francis or something, or he took a break from work? No, Mattie's to reliable to skip out of work." Looking around the private airport, Alfred didn't see Arthur around. "Strange.. He's always on me about being punctual.." Sitting on one of soft chairs facing the only other door in the room, he flipped out his phone and began playing one of the games he downloaded. A few minutes later, he turned off his phone and shoved it into his favorite piolet jacket in a huff. Worry filling his gut again, Alfred began bouncing his leg."Arthur better get here soon, I don't want to bother Francis, he... HE WOULD KNOW WHERE MATTIE IS!" The sudden yell echoed through the deserted waiting room. Pulling out his phone, he scrolled through his contacts before finding 'Francis (French fries)' holding the phone to his ear he had to focus on not throwing his phone when the voice told him he had no service. The doors straight ahead of him opened, and an anxious brit hurried in, stopping after three steps to wait for Alfred.

"Hurry up Alfred! I will tell you what I know over tea and cakes in not a moment, there is a cafe not to far from here for us to converse"

Alfred jumped out of his seat and hurried after Arthur, who was already walking away. "Where is Mattie? You said you know where he is."

Arthur's eyebrow twitched as he took in a deep breath. "Over tea Alfred, We cannot see him until tomorrow anyway."

"What!? You said you knew where he is! Is someone holding him captive? Do I need to call my S.W.A.T? Are you going to call Sherlock?"

"ALFRED! Enough, Matthew is fine! Matthew... will be fine.." Hearing Arthur's voice quiver at the end on his sentence, Alfred followed his former parent in silence out to the waiting car. Opening the back door he sat down, closing it behind him, as Alfred entered from the other side.

With his jaw set, Alfred stared at the back of the seat in front of him. He only wanted to know one thing. "Do I have to worry?"

The silence was broken by quiet sobs from the smaller man beside him.

With the uneasy feeling's in him now confirmed, Alfred closed his eye's. "I'll take that as a yes." He said quietly. Unsure of what to do, Alfred looked out his window, watching the people on the sidewalk pass by, placing his hand plam-up between the two. Fear began cutting into him when his hand was sqeezed tightly.

After his former parental figure composed himself, the two entered the cafe and were quickly seated at a table near the front window, facing eachother.

"Matthew is in the hospital."

Alfred was shocked, his mind shut down. His brother?. "Mattie is..."

"In the hospital. He has been for three days, nobody has personally gone to see him yet."

Mixed emotions swirled in Alfred as his mind began racing once more. 'Three day's and not one person? Why is Mattie in a hospital? If they know where he is why didn't they tell me this before or visit him?'

"Both Francis' and Gilbirt's birds have been watching over him. I was only given this information this morning, and we are waiting until we can all see him together." Sipping his tea, Arthur, looking calmly out the large window, showed no signs of his prior tears.

"When?"

"Tomorrow, Francis and I decided to give him one more day before we all start asking him questions. The poor lad will be trapped when we get there, and we all want...Need our own awnsers. I think Matthew needs to tell us all, why he is in the hospital."

Nodding, Alfred realized Arthur, still looking out the window, would not be able to see him. "Okay."

"Mhhh."

Silence fell on the two, until Alfred began bouncing his leg.

"I thought you stopped doing that when you bacame antsy?"

"Yeah? I thought you were punctual?"

"Mhhh. There was traffic." Arthur replied, voice far off, his mind in another place.

"I'm guessing you want me to stay in my old room for the night?"

Arthur's clouded, far off eyes, cleared as he returned to the present, turning to Alfred.

"Why would I send you to stay in a hotel, when you can just stay at my house? Im not cold-hearted Alfred."

Stifling a laugh, Alfred tried not to laugh as hard as he wanted to 'with those eyebrow's, you would never be to cold.'

"What is so funny?" One of Arthur's eybrows arched quizzically and Alfred fought himself to not blurt out his thoughts.

"N-nothing..Arthur..." Deep breaths calmed him enough to speak normally again. "You want to go ahead of me? I need to buy some clothes, I only have what's on my back, Mattie has Francis' viewpoint on hygiene, I don't want him to kick me out because of smelly clothes."

"I can show you some of the shops in the area." Arthur suggested as they stood up, beginning to head to the front desk to pay.

"You aren't going to bring me to buy a suit again are you?"

Chuckling, Arthur payed as he shook his head smiling. "No Alfred, that is the last thing I would want to do."

* * *

You ever think how suit shopping with Alfred would go? No? okay den... (I personally think he would try escaping like a cat going for a bath) Alfred would be the guy to care about his brother, but not sure exactly how to protect him. (Matthew is a very complexing character, so quiet, so knowing) Soooo. Writing about how bad Matthew's injuries were, were tough. I don't know to what extent thier bodies invincebilaty goes, and from high impact, I know physics would cause a splat. (shiver's "ugh") So, next chapter we will have someone visiting Matthew in secret the afternoon before his family get's there. Thank you for the feedback, I hope it helps me write this better! (/n-n)/ -Hugglez-


	5. Fear vs Determination

Characters: Matthew, Gilbert

Warnings: Depressing undertones

Disclaimer: Hetalia is not mine (I would not be worthy) and belongs to Himaruya Hidekazu.

* * *

"Do either of you know who it is?"

Niether bird's gave a reply. Matthew closed his eyes and let out a sigh. Noticing the knocking on the door, he opened them and looked towards the noise.

"William's?" The nurse opened the door just enough to look in the room. "You have a visitor, would you like me to show him in?"

"Y-yeah."

Opening the door the rest of the way, she stepped aside to allow the visitor through the doorway.

"Danke."

"G-gilbert?" His surprise quickly ended as the nurse closed the door. "Is anybody..?"

"Nein, they're all going to see you tomorrow as a group... I figured you would want some warning." Moving beside the bed, he sat on the chair nearest.

Matthew looked down at his hands in his lap. "So they all know?"

"Just Francis, Arthur, Alfred and me. We know you don't want this to get out to the other countries."

"Ah...Thank's." Twirling his thumbs around eachother, Matthew was waiting for Gilbert to yell at him and tell him how stupid he is to want to die. Matthew still had a country that needed him, that he needed to protect.

"This isn't the first time is it?"

Shocked, his eye's widened as he turned to look at Gilbert. Determined red eyes bore into his and he was frozen on the bed. He felt his throat tighten and his soft voice came out as a hoarse whisper. "What do you think?" A tear slid down his face, followed by others. Covering his face with his hand's, Matthew cried quietly, angry at himself for how selfish, how useless he was.

"I remember a feeling in Berlin a few years ago. The fading of another nation, in and out... Who was that?" Quiet sobs and quickened beeping filled the room. "I want to hear you say it Matthew!"

Gilbert's voice was loud, demanding to be awnsered. Sucking in a shaky breath, Matthew found his quiet voice. "T-the river d-didn't..Hic..Work."

The chair skreeched as it was forcefully pushed back, followed by the sound of quick pacing. Looking over his fingers, Matthew watched a blurry Gilbert pace the small room quickly. "J-just hit me if y-you are mad.. W-we'll both f-feel better." He whispered, dropping his hands into his lap again, a few tears still escaping, darkening the white sheet.

Stopping, Gilbert lifted his hand's to pull at his hair. "I could never hit you Matthew...But you need to fix this...Whatever it is. Talk to someone, okay? Keeping it all inside will not get you anywhere.. I know."

"Nobody hear's m-me anyway.. How can I t...talk to anyone? Y-you don't know, you're hard to miss G-gilbert, others can s-see when you need help. All you need to do is s-smile or play a p-prank and all eyes are on you." His hand's tightening into fists, Matthew felt rage explode from deep within himself. "HOW CAN ANYONE HELP WHEN THEY CAN'T EVEN SEE YOU!?" Freezing in shock from his sudden outburst, Matthew felt his eyes widen as he slowly looked up to meet the same look of surprise in Gilbert's red ones. "I...I didn't-"

"They all see my smile Matthew... Not my fears." Turning towards the door, Gilbert stopped a moment with a hand on the handle. His grave voice held back hidden emotions, still demanding recognition. "You're not the first one to be lost... You just need to learn to sleep in the bed you made... Other's do care, Matthew. Even if you're scared, you need to let them help. Nothing will get better if you don't." Watching the other, Matthew saw the door open and Gilbert walk out, closing it behind him.

"I'm not scared though." His misery-filled, whisper of a voice and beeping were the only signs of life in the room as he stared at the closed door. "I'm terrified.."

* * *

Walking quickly down the depressing, white walled hallway of the hospital, Gilbert knew he needed to get away from everyone for a while.

'I need to think.. He still care's about being heard, so he still has hope. For how long though?'

His pace slowed as he tried to remember the first time he saw the strong determination within Matthew.

A small child in a white gown, ran up to him woth a smile that was more perfect than any of the art work on the walls.

"Giwbewt! Giwbewt! I need to athk you somefing."

Looking over to Francis, not three feet away, he arched a pale eyebrow. A smile spread across Francis' face as he nodded, watching a small Matthew pull Gilbert away. "So where are we going kleiner vogelchen?" He asked as a smile spread across his face.

"Seacwet." Matthew's soft voice awnsered filled with determination.

Leaving the house, Gilbert remained silent as he wondered even more. Stopping suddenly, he almost tripped over the small colony, who fell back in mutual surprise. Helping the small child up, Gilbert opened his mouth to speak, only to be beat to it.

"You show me how to fight?"

Looking down at the small colony in white, Gilbert was unsure of how to awnser.

"You are a little small, are you not vogelchen?"

"I want to pwotct!" The determination in Matthew's wide violet eyes confused Gilbert.

"Protect what?" He asked quizzically.

"Anyone in twubow."

Laughing so hard, Gilbert nearly doubled over. When his laughter calmed down, he looked up to see Matthew holding a medium sized stick like a sword, Determined look, showing no signs of doubt. A smile still covering his face, Gilbert walked over to, and around Matthew. "Your feet need to farthur apart... I do not think a sword is for you..." Looking around, Gilbert saw a small stick and picked it up. Walking back to the small colony, he switched the long stick for the shorter one. "Pretend this to be a knife, you are still to small to use a sword."

An hour later, Gilbert was proud at how fast Matthew caught onto his teaching's, and although Francis was angry with how dirty Matthew's white gown was, Gilbert saw the proud and worried look in his friend's eyes. Matthew was smiling magnificenty, strength and determination exuding from his small body.

Gilbert let out a long breath as looked up to the sky from the bench he was currently sitting on. "I guess he grew up.." He whispered as the vivid colors mixed against the orange sky.

* * *

kleiner vogelchen- Little bird

So. Yeah. I figure the personifications can sense eachother when one is on the others land. Matthew isn't the only one who has gone through this, Gilbert has too. Please don't hate me, but I think he would have gone into a coma-like depression after the Berlin wall fell, the shock of his freedom being to much for him. Gilbert may seem to have been harsh on Matthew, but he isn't the kind to hold back on the ones he cares for. Anyway... I'm always glad to get feedback on how im doing. Next chapter is Matthew's family finally see him, i'm sorry it took so long! Here are some internet cookies! -Runs and hides in a corner nibbling on one-


	6. Voices of Echoed Words

Character: Matthew, Francis

Warnings: Momentary insanity, Self hate,

 _Italics are memories._

'Anything in these are thoughts'

Disclaimer: Hetalia is not mine (I would not be worthy) and belongs to Himaruya Hidekazu.

* * *

They were surrounding him, the shadows. They haven't moved since he woke up, but he knew they were alive. The glowing, blinking eyes watched him hungerly as he layed stiffened with fear on the bed. Whenever he moved, so did they. Their arms raising and stopping in tangent with his own movements. Blazing blue, Poisonous green, Haunted, darker blue and Demon red. All eyes watched him, not once leaving his own terrified violet's. Two on each side, each holding knives poised over their heads. "P-please.." He whispered before their arms swung down, plundging the knives down towards the thin white sheets covering him. Jolting awake, Matthew sat in the bed, looking at the wall across the room. His normal breathing, and relaxed body disturbed him more than his dream. "Do I relly want to die?" The years of solitude, dejection and blame flashed across his mind. "Do I want to live?" The freedom of his childhood before he met anyone other than Alfred softly brushed across his thoughts. He scrunched his blonde eyebrows together in thought.

S _leep in the bed you made_. Gilbert's voice echoed through his buzzing mind.

 _I'm not scared though, I'm terrified_.

 _Other's do care_.

His breathing quickened as he tried to think over the demanding voices. "Quiet..."

 _Just hit me._

 _I could never hit you_.

"I'm trying to think.." He whispered, hand's tightening into fists on the sheets beside his casted legs.

. _.WHEN THEY CAN'T EVEN SEE YOU?_

"Shut up." Matthew said, his voice a little louder.

 _..Berlin a few years ago.._

Matthew grabbed his hair, pulling at it. Trying to let the pain ground him and his thoughts. The beeping from the monitor suddenly quickened.

 _Who was that?_

"Just stop..." His voice was the same volume as other people, but it went unnoticed from the louder voices in his head, it came out shaky.

 _I want to hear you say it Matthew!_ Gilbert's accusing voice demanded an awnser.

"IT WAS ME! ALRIGHT? IT WAS ME! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Not able to stand on his own, Matthew fell back against the bed, trying his best to fight away the voices.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO YOU?"

Light flooded his dark room as his door opened quickly. Two male nurses entered fast but cautious, followed by a female one.

"I WAS IN THE RIVER! IT WAS ME!" He screamed at the roof, the voices, now louder than ever. All of them shouting in his mind, blaming him, telling him how much of a waste he is.

"Hold him down." A female voice said sternly as she pulled out a needle, swiftly removing the cap with ease. Pulling a small bottle of liquid out of her other pocket, filling the medium sized needle with the clear liquid and made sure no bubbles were inside.

His casted arms had already caused deep indents to the mattress before the two men pushed them down furthur.

She leaned over Matthew before pushing the needle into his skin, injecting it's contents into his left arm's prominent blue vien.

"SHUT UP! YOU HAVE YOU'RE AWNSER! JUST GO AWAY!"

Feeling a sudden fuzzyness take over him, Matthew relaxed as the voices faded away. The three nurses came into view for a moment before they became more blurred, eventually fading into the blackness with his conciousness.

"-Had to give him a heavy sedative that was supplied for him by the government. He will be disoriented for a while after waking, maybe the entire day."

"May we see him, was my question doctor." Arthur's demanding tone mumbled through the closed door.

"Yes, I guess it would be fine... If anything happens, you must call for someone right away, no exceptions."

"We will, thank you."

The door opened as Matthew closed his eyes, a suddenly strong wave of dizzyness washing over him.

* * *

Gilbert shook his head as he kept eyes contact with Gilbert. "Nien, you need to see him as a family, I'll ask him what I want after everything calms down."

Francis nodded as he turned away from his friend, towards Alfred who tturned and took in a deep breath before opening the door. Taking five steps in, Alfred stopped abruptly.

"Holy Sh-"

"Alfred! We are in public, you will refrain from cussing." Arthur snipped, cutting him off.

Francis entered the room after Alfred, followed by Arthur who closed the door behind them.

"Mon dieu...M..mon petiet Mathieu..."

Slowly walking towards the bed, Francis was unable to breath. Matthew, his precious child, was covered by casts. His honey hair was covered in fresh bandages, the soft locks sticking out of the white fabric in intrevals. His sleeping face seemed tried, stopping Francis before he could move close.

"How... How high was the building?" He heard Alfred whisper to Arthur.

"Twenty stories.."

Regaining control of his body, Francis slowly made his way towards his broken son. Sitting in the chair, closest to Matthew's head. he reached up, hesitating a moment, before tangling his fingers with the pale ones poking out of the cast. Moving his other hand, he lifted the heavy casted hand up to his face, pressing his lips against the scratchy plaster. "..Mathieu.." With honey locks no longer softening Matthew's jaw, Francis realized, even as grown men, how much the North American brothers looked alike.

'You knew others mixed them up and never did a thing' The voice of his mind accused him. 'You abandoned him'.

Tightening his grip, Francis brushed the fingers against his cheek as he closed his eyes. "Stay strong Mathieu.. Please... I would not be able to handle losing you forever..." 'Do not leave me like Joan...' He knew Matthew could not die the way Joan did, but knowing Matthew had given up frightened him enough to forget thinking logically. Tears once trapped in his eyelashes, escaped to freely leave streaks down his face.

Arthur's voice was quiet when he spoke up as he placed a hand on Francis' right shoulder. "Would you like us to wait outside with Gilbert, Francis?"

Shaking his head, he sucked in a breath, not caring how weak and lost he sounded. "H...He n...need's a-all of us."

Hearing the chair next to him move, Francis turned to see Alfred looking sadly at Matthew. "We didn't even know... How long do you think-"

"You need to ask him yourself Alfred... We know as much as you." Arthur cut him off with a whispered, standing behind them both. The ever present stoic look of his face was drown away, leaving regret consume his forest green eyes.

Alfred's usually exuberant voice came out as a whisper making him sound like Matthew. "What if I don't want to know? What if I want him to act like he's better, even if I know he's faking?"

"You would be lying to yourself... It would eat you from the inside, until you face the truth." Francis calmly whispered, as he watched Matthew's still sleeping face. "It would destroy you if we all pretended... And if he somehow succeeded.. It would destroy all of us."

Steady, repetative beeping filled the room. Each of their eyes widened as violet iris's drearily looked at each of them. "Hey..." Matthew's wary voice quietly greeted them.

* * *

Ok, I know I told you they would all meet in this chapter, but I could not for the life of me write that without some kind of transition. I hope you are as much on edge as I am for the next chapter, I haven't written it yet so not even I know where this will go. - _hehe_ \- Feedback is welcomed with the same arms that will give you all huggles *HUGGLEZ* (I was listening to NightcoreExtreme's nightcore of 'Catch Fire' the entire time I wrote this... No regrets..) Thank you for reading, next chapter is coming up soon!


	7. When Words Become Weapons

Characters: Matthew, Arthur

Warnings: Emotionally destructive words, Tension

 _Italics are memories. (none in this chapter)_

'Anything in these are thoughts'

Disclaimer: Hetalia is not mine (I would not be worthy) and belongs to Himaruya Hidekazu.

* * *

"So you are all finally here?" Matthew softly asked his so called family. Realizing the fingers of his casted hand were tangled in anothers longer fingers. Turning his head to the side, his violet's clashed with Francis' depaired blue's. "Why did you leave me alone?... I've had enough time alone, yet you think I need more of it?" The small light of hope in Francis' eyes shattered, leaving only hurt. Untangling their fingers, Francis held onto the cast, no longer giving Matthew's cold fingers warmth.

"Matthew, we all want-" Arthur began, only to be cut off by his soft, apathetic voice.

"You know my name now? The last time we talked you called me Alfred."

Arthur shifted, taking in a slow deep breath.

"You only ever want things from me Arthur.. Have you forgotten about me because I will not give you everything anymore?... I only want the truth Arthur..." Matthew gave him a sweet smile with his words. "How many times have you forgotten about me? I cannot for the life of me remember. It started when I was so little."

Forest green eyes widened in shock, soon shifting to regret. Turning his back to the violet eyes boring into him, Arthur stared at the door unmoving, seemingly lost in thought.

"Mattie, your kinda freaking me out.." Alfed spoke up, pulling Matthew's attention away from the back of a frozen Arthur. "Why are you being so.. So crule?" His blue eyes seemed determined, but Matthew knew he was just trying to look strong. The doubt clouding his usually bright blue eyes gave him away.

"Is the hero going to try helping me? Or will he give up and just pretend everything is okay, ignoring the problems he cannot fix." His calm voice and violet gaze suddenly sharpened, cutting the hope left in Alfred into ribbons. "You saw them yelling at me that time in the hall, calling your name... But you left, you turned around Alfred. They hit me Alfred."

"Mattie.. I-" Alfred, now, grasping at straws was cut off.

"You let them hurt me." Matthew said, his voice colder than his northern most island.

Tears and guilt quickly filled Alfred's eyes as he tried blinking them back.

Slow, calm beeping was accompanied with Alfred's loudening choked sobs.

"Such a kind family.. I am so happy for them... I wish I had a family." Matthew whispered looking up towards the ceiling.

* * *

'This is not Matthew... He is better than this.'

'He was better than this, this is what he has become' The darker voices in Arthur's mind whispered.

'No! he had so much hope as a child, his strength was only hidden because of his quiet demeanor.'

'Can you even help him? You failed Alfred.' They cackled.

Turning towards Matthew, Arthur sucked in a breath before approaching, bracing himself for any destructive words the young country was adept to pinpointing. 'At least he can figure out the weakness in an enemy easily.' He thought proudly, knowing it would only make it harder for any of them to help Matthew.

"Matthew.. We love you, I just hope you remember that."

Laying on the bed, Matthew stared at the ceiling, seemingly lost in another daze.

"Mathiue..." Francis spoke softly after the others eyes fluttered shut and remained closed. He turned to Arthur, worry growing on his face.

"He is only asleep... The doctor did say they gave him a strong sedative, probably made for us specifically..." Arthur tried to reassure the other, letting out a breath he did not know he was holding when Francis calmed down.

Alfred, finally pulling himself together stared at the healing body, peacefully sleeping on the bed. "I'm not leaving him alone, you two can go and get something to eat." As if on cue, Alfred's stomach made its presence known by growling loudly. His face heating up, Alfred still made no signs of movement as he watched his sleeping brother.

Arthur shook his head, a tired smile playing on his lips. "I can wait here while you two go and find something to eat."

Francis shook his head also remaining seated. Still tightly holding onto the sleeping blondes casted hand his face, worried and afraid.

Arthur placed a hand on each of their shoulders. "Matthew will be fine. I would not mind if you brought me back some tea while you are at it.. Please?" Removing his hands and taking a step back, the two stood, finally beginning to leave. As Alfred left the room, Arthur reached out, grabbing hold of Francis' arm stopping him. "I'm going to ask Gilbert if he has any ideas. I just wanted to tell you before, so you know to keep an eye on him when you get back." Francis' blue eyes searched Arthur's a moment before closing his eyes and nodding.

"We will have to keep a close eye on both of them... Gilbert has wanted to forget for a long time... We all know he never will, but it will still be hard for him... Do not hurt my friend Arthur.. Or my son." Francis spoke quietly, his eyes a mix of emotions, impossible to determine.

"I will call you if anything happens."

The relief in the taller mans eyes calmed Arthur enough for him to muster a small hopeful smile.

"Gilbert!" Francis called to the open door. The two men watched the door as both Alfred and Gilbert's heads suddenly appeared in the doorway, violently slamming into eachother. Loud curses in english and german swiftly sounded their way down the hallway.

Glancing back at the blonde in the doorway while rubbing the top of his white hair, Gilbert entered the room. Stopping a few feet in front of the duo. "Was?" He asked angerly.

"Alfred and I are heading out to find some food and tea, would you like anything?"

His pale face lost the angry edge instantly. "Pancakes."

Arthur let his confusion show on his face. "Pancakes?"

Gilbert red eyes looked to him nodding. "Pancakes."

"I think we all know he wants pancakes. The quicker we leave, the faster we can get back here. Let's get going Francis." Alfred called to them impatiently, leaning against the door frame tapping his foot.

Francis moved enough steps for Alfred to leave their view before stopping. Taking in a breath, he turned around. "Arthur is going to ask you... So it is not to sudden... I am sorry Gilbert, but please... Anything will help us at this point." His gaze unnerved as he looked between the two towards the slumbering person on the bed. The plea in his voice was not unheard as Gilbert replied without hesitation.

"I will be fine, Francis...I want to help Matthew too."

Francis nodded before turning around and quickly leaving the room. His hurried footsteps, telling them Alfred was already further down the hall.

The air in the room darkened rapidly at the two, still watching the open doorway, stood unmoving.

A while passed before Gilbert turned towards Matthew. "What do you want to know?"

"You heard him from the hall right?.. How bad is Matthew?" Arthur asked, his hands tightening into fists as he turned to face the white haired man.

"He is not bad." Gilbert sent an irritated look to him, silently telling Arthur 'bad' is not a word to be used in their current situation. "Only lost in his own darkness. He locked himself up inside so he can protect what is precious to him." Gilbert, now standing by the bed stared down at Matthew, his own face softening the longer his gaze was focused on the others slumbering one. "Smart little lost bird."

A strange question popped into Arthur's head. "Why did you want pancakes?" He asked, once more throughtly confused at the others food request.

Gilbert chuckled, not looking away from Matthew's sleeping face. "It is always nice to wake up to something you love."

Arthur felt his eyes widen in realization as his hands loosened to hang at his sides. "Do you.." He did not want to finish his words as he looked between the two. "Towards Matthew?"

Gilbert shook his head as he looked over his shoulder, smiling to Arthur. "I just like cute things... They just seem to make life a little better."

* * *

Was-What

...Matthew seems angry in this chapter.. Because he is.. Matthew keeps things bottled up and guess what? it seemed to have been a glass bottle, because it just smashed and everything is now a mess and other are hurt. Gilbert is said to have eidetic memory so that is why he cannot forget anything, and the reason (I think) he does not forget Matthew. He also secretly loves cute things (cute stuff makes people smile right?). UWAHHHH I was so busy the last few days I wasn't able to write, and when I was able to write.. I did not like it... At all 0-0... so I had to start the chapter all over again. I have a rule to finish any story I start, so this story will be finished! I hope you keep reading and feedback is always an improvement! Thank you for reading! Next chapter is on it's way! -HUGGLEZ-


	8. Comfort, Food

Characters: Matthew, Alfred, Francis

Warnings: Strange dream, Sad Alfred

 _Italics are memories._

'Anything in these are thoughts'

Disclaimer: Hetalia is not mine (I would not be worthy) and belongs to Himaruya Hidekazu.

* * *

Matthew was drifting in and out of sleep. His eyelids wieghed to much for him to open, he was to tired and felt so light.

"I remember seeing Alfred, Francis and Arthur walk into my hospital room but... Nothing after." His voice echoed back to him from the darkness around him.

"..."

"Hmm?"

"..."... "..."

"Voices?"

"..."

"...?"

".."

"Why can I not hear what they are saying?" Matthew's questioning echo, swiftly vanished, suddenly he felt his body grow tired. The black abyss surrounding him began swirling within itself. "Where am I?" He thought aloud. Feeling his mind shut off, he could no longer bring himself to think. Giving up on fighting his confused state, it's surrounding's and the questions he knew will not be awnsered, Matthew allowed the soothing abyss' darkness cacoon him, Matthew felt sudden warmth. Warmth that seemed to promise him love.

* * *

"Wait! Alfred! Why did you not take the elevator? The satirs were at the end of the hall!" Francis yelled after him as soon as the frenchman exited the hospital's front doors. Alfred didn't want to talk, he needed to think!

'Mattie was always smiling, if he felt like..' "Arggghh!" He growled in frustration, pulling at his hair. 'Why didn't he just ask for help!?'

"Finally! I know your mind is probly racing Alfred, but you need to stay calm."

Still pulling at his hair, Alfred turned around feeling frazzled, his eyes begging for awnsers. "How do I stay calm? Mattie just told us how crappy we are as a family!" Closing his eyes tightly to make sure no more tears got out, he took in a deep breath. Holding in the breath until he felt his lungs begin to burn, he tilted back his head and opened his eyes. "He said he wished he had a family Francis... How can he feel that way? How can he say that?... Even when we battled against eachother... I could never think we were not a family."

"Alfred.. We all have our own ways of coping. Mathieu just needs to know we care for him and are here for him." Alfred heard the uncertainty in Francis' forced hopeful voice, realizing the encouragment was for both of them.

Seeing Francis' less than hopeful smile, Alfred suddenly felt drained. "You aren't doing very well with this either Francis. Lets get some food..." Looking up towards the hospital, Alfred felt a weight inside his stomach as he turned and began walking away. Alfred was not sure if he even wanted to eat anymore. He just felt... Empty.

"We can pick up Gilbert's pancakes and Arthur's tea on our way back, I do not think they would be amused if we brought thier food to them cold." Francis spoke up as they crossed the street.

Alfred wanted to laugh, but felt it would cost him energy he currently did not have, deciding on just a small smile. "We should bring it to them cold. They can just leave to get their own food when we get back." Alfred knew Francis heard his words as the empty threats they were.

"Here is a good place." Francis suprised Alfred by turning and cutting him off, entering a small resturant.

Following after the frenchman, Alfred pushed against the alredy closing door and was greeted by a comforting scent. 'Pancakes?' Looking around the resturant was not extravagant or upper-class, if anything it calmed him. The neutral color's of the tables and walls mixed with the small randomly placed fake flowers. Noticing movement, Alfred looked over to see Francis was already seated and was waving him over. Following the soft brown square designs on the floors carpet, he made his way over to their table and sat down across from Francis. "I didn't know you would even eat in a place as low-key as this Francis." Looking around, Alfred saw a few couples, enjoying a late lunch and a few other people, calmly reading papers, allowing themselves a few liesurely bites, before returning to what they were reading.

Francis' chuckle caught Alfred's attention, making him look over. "Oui, I do not come here often, only when I need a break from things... Sometimes one needs to enjoy small things before attempting to face larger troubles."

Wanting to say something, Alfred opened his mouth, stopping before being interrupted by the approach of a well groomed waiter. Stopping at their table, he asked if they would like to see the days specials. Alfred and Francis quickly scanned the menu and gave their orders before the waiter took their menus and left. Alfred, looking around, decided to take the frenchman's advice. Leaning back against his chair, Alfred streatched his arms in front of him, over the table, continuing a slow movement, he moved them away from eachother. Stopping when his arms were the farthest apart, he let out a breath and placed his hands onto the table. He closed his eyes and felt a small smile on his face.

"Alfred, we all care about Mathieu. To help him, we must first make sure we, ourselves are okay. If we try helping him before we are ready, we may mistake our worry for our own guilt... Are you okay to help Mathieu?"

Not opening his eyes, nor trying to stop his smile from growing, Alfred felt a warmth inside himself as he remembered playing as children with his brother.

 _Arthur took them to one of Alfred's warm beaches, Alfred swam circles around Matthew, while his brother only wanted to enjoy the ocean and sun's warmth. Matthew would easily overpower him during snowball fights during the colder winters, when Alfred was busy focusing on keeping his hands warm while making his ammo. When they went home, soaking wet during the cold weather, they were awarded a talking-to from Arthur, while he dried Alfred's hair... Arthur forgot about Matthew, Alfred would sit behind his brother and dry the others honey locks._

"There is nothing I would not do for Matthew, Francis... He would do the same for me without hesitation. He is my smart, sarcastic, passive-agressive brother." Opening his eyes and meeting the others proud blue's, Alfred knew he had to at help his brother no matter the cost.

"You have grown Alfred." Francis said as the waiter placed their food on the table and once more, taking his leave. Francis' soft smile shifted into a more teasing one as Alfred picked up his fork. "I was beginning to wonder when you would grow up, but alas, you did it with none of us realizing."

"Is that a compliment, dude?" He asked,his fork paused an inch from his mouth.

"Only you can decide, Alfred. Bon appetit." Alfred was already pushing more food onto his fork, his hunger returning from wherever it had gone, while Francis picked up his fork, smiling.

* * *

Oui-Yes

Bon appetit-Enjoy your meal

His dreams are becoming more comforting? Matthew didn't have a nightmare! This is during the time Arthur and Gilbert were having their talk, so that's why it is mostly focusing on Alfred and Francis. Can you imagine a confused, tense, emotionally unstable Alfred!? I would rather not acctually... I think Francis needed some time to calm down after... what happened.. So yeah, I hope you are enjoying the story so far! -HUGGLEZ- HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

And I just want to tell you I can only update once in a while now "I'm so sorry TT-TT" I have no luck in life... I just get in the habit of writing this story and BOOM a bunch of things happen and my boring life gets busy u.u "Why?...Why?"


	9. Hesitations and Decisions

Characters: Matthew, Gilbert

Warnings: Strange dreams

 _Italics are memories._

'Anything in these are thoughts'

Disclaimer: Hetalia is not mine (I would not be worthy) and belongs to Himaruya Hidekazu.

* * *

The darkness around and within Matthew was calming. It never expected anything from him, yet it needed him to survive, the light frightens it, the light hurts it. Yet, the darkness will always want to be close to the light. Matthew pondered why, while floating between the two. His shadow was a perfect way for the darkness to get closer to the light, trying to reach out to the light, but only dissappearing with small cries.

"Even if you know it will hurt you, why do you seek it out? You are more safe when you are far away from it..." His voice echoed around him, swiftly dissappering.

Matthew watched the darkness struggle quietly, with saddened eyes.

"Why does the light hurt you so much, when you only want to be close to it?"

The monochrome surroundings began to blur as a dull pain settled in him, tears fill his eyes as the shadows small cries neither grew, nor shrunk, they only continued to voice their despair. Wiping the tears from his eyes, he watched as the light grabbed hold of a part of the darkness. The darkness shrieked in pain helplessly while a part of it was being ripped away by the light. Matthew did not think as he reached out, wanting to move the two apart, to stop the cries and with them, hie own growing dread. His worry shattered into helplessness as his hand passed through the two, the darknesses shrieks began to ring in his mind, making him cover his ears. His wide violet eyes watched, as he watched the light finally rip the piece of darkness away. The light mixed with the darkness, lightening it while being darkened itself. When all was done, and the shifting tones settled to a stop, a grey orb was left floating.

"What!?"

Pulling his hands away from his ears, Matthew could hear the darkness to his right softly cry out while it too, reached out to the light. The grey orb made no noise itself as it floated towards him. Feeling something familiar within the grey, Matthew wanted to reach out to it, only finding himself hesitate.

"Should I?..."

The orb floated around his head before starting to drift away.

"Wait!"

Matthew reached out to the orb. It stopped and shot back, into his hand before he could react. Gasping, He looked at his hand. It showed no signs of change, still just his normal hand. The uneasy feeling inside of him told him otherwise. The wars had taught Matthew to trust his feelings over logic, but as he studied the hand the orb shot into, he could find nothing different.

When Matthew looked up, he watched uneasily as the light and darkness around him began to blurr and the feeling of consienceness overcome him, pulling him from the strange crossroads he was in.

* * *

The fast beeping was the first thing Matthew noticed. The second thing, he remembered was that he could not move and was in a full body cast. The final thing, he realized was Arthur and Gilbert looking down at him with similar faces of worry.

"Christ Matthew, are you okay? Does something hurt? Should we call the doctor?" The genuine worry in Arthur's forest green eyes caught Matthew off guard.

"I..m f-fine." Matthew choked out.

"You are sure? You are not only saying that?" Arthur's eyes searched Matthew's face as he was beginning to look unsure of what to.

"I am fine Arthur... Can you wipe my eyes, Please? Everything is blurry."

Pulling a hankerchief from his jacket pocket, Arthur lightly dabbed under his glasses, at his eyes, until they were dry, before putting the hankerchief back into his own pocket.

"Nightmare?" Gilbert asked calmly. Matthew looked over to him, just in time to see Gilbird in the the others white hair, awake and begin cleaning his wings. Looking down to meet Gilbert's gaze, he was met with red eyes holding interest.

"In a sense.. It was more unsettling than scary." Matthew murmered, looking down at the cast. A sudden itch on his back brought a question from the back of his mind. "When can they take off this cast?" He asked, looking over to them.

The two exchanged glances, seemingly in a silent conversation. Arthur was the first to turn back to him. "The doctors told us they wanted to keep it on as a procaution. You are on suicide watch Matthew."

The sudden, stifled laughed filled the silent room, made Arthur and Matthew looked over to Gilbert in confusion. Quickly calming down, Gilbert waved his hand to emphazise the entire room and its inhabitants.

"He is in a full body cast! He can even break out of it if he wanted to by now! The only thing he could do to kill himself is bite off his tounge and I am sure if he did not want to be here, he would have done that already. Matthew is smart enough!" Turning to Matthew, a sneaky smile formed on his thin lips. "Honestly, how quickly did you think of it?"

Arthur seemed frozen in shock by Gilbert's audacity. Matthew felt a small smile tug the sides of his mouth. "A few minutes after I woke up." Gilbert covered his mouth as he snickered.

"Gilbert! How dare you laugh at his situation! How dare you even mention such thoughts!" Arthur's face was red with anger as he tried to keep his voice strict and quiet.

Matthew spoke up, hoping to calm Arthur down. "Arthur, I am fine."

Arthur quickly turned towards Matthew. "Matthew! No! You are encourage him to joke about this! You know better from growing up with Alfred, that when you give the jokes the wanted attention, they will occur again!"

Gilbert walked beside Arthur and gave him a hard pat on the back, recieving, what Matthew knew would be a glare that promised a meeting with death.

"Arthur, he was smiling. He is not thinking like that right now." Looking to Matthew Gilbert nodded with a smile, although his sharp eyes demanded honesty. "Right?"

"Right." Matthew whispered.

"No more jokes, or questions containing such morbid implications and I will let it slide! I understand you can both understand?" Arthur's green eyes held a glare demanding both to comply.

"All right." They quietly awnsered in union. Both turned down faces carried a small mishievious smile.

"We are back!" Alfred burst through the door followed by a more respectful Francis, who waited in the hall to trade places with one of the occupants. Arthur opened his mouth, before changing what he was going to say. "We are only allowed two visitors in the room. Gilbert, would you like to eat in the cafeteria with me?"

Gilbert sent Francis a quick pleading glance. The reply was an excepting sigh as he turned to leave the room. "I will eat with Arthur..." Suddenly stopping, Francis turned around to the three in the room. "No... I know both of you and sadly, have no doubt you two will get into a fight." Francis was moving his untrusting gaze between Alfred and Gilbert.

"What?" The two asked at the same time.

Arthur nodded, a doubtful look formed on his face. "You two are both much to loud alone, together would be..." He shook his head. "I do not want Matthew to be trapped alone, between any of the bickering you two start."

"I promise to keep quiet and not give into his stupidity, you two okay with that?" Gilbert asked.

Alfred cried out a "Hey" before turning to Arthur and Francis "You guys know I wont start anything, right?" Matthew snickered, drawing all of their attention. "Matthew?" Alfred's voice seemed unsure.

"You two can go and eat, If I need to, I can just call the nurses. They can follow the sound of the yelling."

Francis and Arthur shared a worried glance and Arthur seemed close to changing his mind. Pushing the shorter gently out of the room, Francis spoke over his own shoulder. "Just make sure neither of you are thrown out of the hospital."

After they were gone, Gilbert looked over to Alfred. Trying to form a plan to talk to Matthew alone. "How long does it take you to get hungry?"

Alfred glared at him. "I dont have to tell you that, albino."

Gilbert smiled down to Matthew.

Matthew sighed.

* * *

Sorry for not writing in a while... I have no excuse e.e I just could not write.. Anything... I hope you enjoyed the chapter. The -hugglez- are optional, but I would appreciate you taking some. Reviews are always a way for me to improve! Thank you for reading, next chapter is coming soon.


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